So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
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