We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
