Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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