Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
