She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
