So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
