he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
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