people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
