Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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