i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
it's great music for shaving your balls
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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