why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
