She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
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