after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
You smell like stripper and shame
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I need mimosas to revive my soul
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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