I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Four minutes until I can fart!
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Randomize
