i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
