My Higher Power is John Stamos
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
