There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
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