I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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