last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
