Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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