I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize
