I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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