I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
