Don't make out with my wife yet
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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