Cold hands, warm shart.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
How external is "for external use only"?
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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