i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Randomize
