I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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