Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Woke up backwards on a recliner
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably