I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Randomize
