just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
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