Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
