Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
