I'm retarded. Again.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
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ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
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It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT