I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
