you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
