Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
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