A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
