My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
FUCK WHALES
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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