so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
