Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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