This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
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she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
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And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.