The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Semen is not good for contacts.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you