i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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