peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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