I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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