Who wears a wallet chain?!
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
