i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
