Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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