Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
