I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
