I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
How naked do you want me to be?
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
I see more hoeing in ur future
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