i would punch a child for taco bell
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
