so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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