I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
My vagina just clenched in fear
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
