They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
