how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
