So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
