I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
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