just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
