Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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