why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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