Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Randomize
